The Cid Highwind Show Collection
by TomStrife
Summary: Cid highwind from FF7 hosts his own FF talkshow. Seasons 1-3 revised and in one package! And some bonus features to expect. Rated PG just to be safe.
1. Season 1: Episode 1

**Season 1:**

**Episode 1**

"Welcome to my show,"said Cid. "Todays our first episode and heres Tidus!"

Tidus stepped up and sat on the cumfy chair next to Cid.

"Now from what Ive heard you dont exsist. You are just a simple dream."

"Yes. I cannot touch nor talk to anyone. Im in the Farplane," Tidus answered. "So Tidus,what are you into these days?" Cid asked. "Blitzball," Tidus laughed. "Blizball…huh? So tell us Tidus why are you here tonight?"Asked Cid."I wanna tell Yuna that Rikku is the one I love,"he said.

Yuna stepped down the isle in anger.

"Wait,what happened to the soundproof walls?"yelled one of Cids body guards.

"It broke!"Yuna yelled.

"Hey,Yuna. You ditched the ugly dress,"Tidus smiled. Yuna began to claw at Tidus when the body guard held her back.

"Um,this is supposed to be a good clean show!"said Cid. Yuna ignored Cid and tried to rip off Tidus head. "Listen,calm down,Heres Rikku!" yelled Cid as he got attacked bypeople from the audience. Rikku walked down with her new outfit. "Wow!"said Tidus drooling. Rikku began to walk towards Yuna laughing at the sight. "Hi,Yunie,"she smiled.

Tidus walked over to her and they began to kiss passionately."Why you little!"

Yelled Yuna and they got into the best cat-fight the world has ever seen.

The bodyguards finally held them back. Tidus grabbed Rikku by the arm and they walked off together.

"I was hoping this show would turn out to be a nice,clean comedy,but its not. I guess it isnt from now on," said Cid and the episode was over.


	2. Episode 2

**Episode 2**

"Hello,everyone and welcome to the Cid Highwind Show! Im this is my

show. Todays special guest is Sephiroth." Cid said. Sephiroth stepped down the long isle

and sat next to Cid. "So Sephiroth,where you been since we killed you?"asked Cid. "Ive

been with Aeris in the Promised Land,"said Sephiroth ."I see,so why have you come on

the show?"Cid asked."To talk to you.I am a Final Fantasy character and this is a Final

Fantasy talk show,"Sephiroth answered. "Oh,I see.Any love problems?" "No,why would

I? Im Sephiroth.""Get outta my show!" Cid yelled. "Wait!There was one thing. Im

cheating on Aeris," Sephiroth said."I love Kuja." "But isnt Kuja a man!"Cid said in

surprise. "No,shes a tomboy so Zidane may have thought so,"Sephy answered. "Here

they are!"Cid yelled.

The crowd cheered as Kuja and Aeris entered the stage. "Sephy-cun,I have something

To tell you,"said Kuja. Aeris turned her head in rage. "Sephy-What!" She yelled. The two began a better cat fight than last episode. Everyone cheered as the two fought. Then they attacked Sephiroth for being a sneak. "Sephiroth,Ive been using you for Aeris.I really a man. Actually Id say Im somewhere in the middle,"Kuja sighed.

Sephiroth nodded and washed his mouth out with a bar of soap.


	3. Episode 3

**Episode 3**

(Yeah,my last chapter was short purposely,my comedies shall always remain short)

"Hello, everyone and welcome once again to my show, "said Cid. "Todays episode our

special guest is……Vivi!"

Vivi stepped on to the stage and sat next to Cid

"So Vivi….hows your love life?" Cid asked.

"Horrible, since I married that Qu that I dont even know the gender of! Im with Eiko and Ive come to tell that………..THING!" Vivi replied.

Quina stepped on the stage.

"What want you?" asked Quina.

"I want a divorce! Eiko is the one I love!" Vivi yelled.

Quina was sad to here that but Vivi was on a role.

"We cant even have a kid like I did with Eiko during the credits of FF9,that befriended Puck and I did not just say that out loud if anyone asked."

Quina just began to sick out its tounge as Vivi wouldnt stop blabbering.

"By the way,heres Eiko," Cid grinned evily.

Eiko stepped on the stage and sat next to Vivi. She called to Vivi and (somehow) began to kss him….(A/N:How the heck did she manage that?)

The crowd cheered as Vivi kissed her in return. Mog popped right out of Eikos shirt and yelled: "Dang I knew I was suposed to take a left turn at Final Fantasy 7.

Instead I got to be in FF6 and FF9!" The moogle screamed as it flew away…..magically.

Now everyonw was happy.Vivi and Eiko go out, Mog isnt in FF6 or 9, and Quina got a hamburger at McDonalds.


	4. Episode 4

**Episode 4**

"Welcome to another horrible episode of the Cid Highwind show!"yelled Cid. "Today,our special guest is a dear friend of mine! Allow me to introduce…………Barret!"

The potty-mouthed gunner entered the big room.

"Now Barret,my man! I heard you still swear a lot….Ive ditched the habit,"Cid smiled. "SWEAR! Who the #en # # told you I still swear!" "Um….relax….its just a rumor….yeah,"Cid smirked.

"It better be a &en rumor or Ill tear off your #in brain!"Barret yelled."Um….so whats up my friend?"Cid asked.

"Well,I just got a call from my #en daughter Marlene! Shes #en safe and Im #en happy!"Barret smiled.

"OK…..thats-Will you stop pointing that thing at me!"yelled Cid. "Oh,shoot!"said a bodyguard.'I lost my wallet!" "No,dont shoot!"yelled Cid.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!

"OK…..go to commercial," said Cid as he put his head back on.

A voice pooped up on the screen. "Its new its fun…..its the Gorgous Unity Nuetralizer. We call it a GUN!" Vincent came out of nowhere and swung around a GUN! Two girls appeared by his side. "Not only can it nutralize,but it can make popcorn….in just seconds," said a girl as she winked. The other girl began to say:

"And its only available at Wall Market for 5000 gil so head on down today for your GUN!" Vincent began to say the final words: "And it makes the perfect gift or present……for the kids!"

The show came back on. "So…..Barret,anything going on in your love life?" Cid said.

"I dont know,but for some #en retarded reason, no girls think my words sweep them off their feet. And they dont enjoy holding hands in the sunset .What thesensoredis up with that! "Cids mouthed dropped as he heard the mother of bad words on HIS show. "Oh my god, he said SEPHIROTH!" said a guard. "What the Sephiroth is up with you guys?" Barret asked.

"Barret,you are a potty-mouth!" said Cid. Barret laughed. "So,you swore more and you were a chimney…you smoked so much!"

"So,at least I ditched my habits, you still swear!"

"No, I #in dont,you little!"

End of Episode


	5. Episode 5

**Episode 5**

"Hello,everyone and welcome to another episode of….Cid Highwind!" Cid said as he walked unto the stage.

"I still have some injuries from last episode,but Ill survive."

"Anyways,todays special guest is from the same path Sephiroth,me,and Barret came from meet….TIFA!"

Tifa stepped onto the stage and waved at everyone.

"Hey Tifa,long time no see! So whats up?"asked Cid. "Oh,nothing…..just came back from the tanning booth…..how are you doing Cid?" she asked."Im fine,"Cid smiled. "WOW!Youre like sooooo different. Oh my gosh! No smoking,no swearing,and no insulting, Im so proud of you,"Tifa smiled. "Um…..yeah…..so whats on your mind?" Cid said moving his toothpick around his mouth

."Me and Cloud are going to celebrate our like anniversary,"Tifa smiled.

"I see,"Cid said. "And I became a cheerleader so Im like all like talking freakishly,"she smiled."

Get off my stage you little-!"Cid grabbed her and threw her off the stage.

The crowd booed. "Down with cheerleaders…..Down with cheerleaders!"

They all chanted.

Cloud ran unto the stage and jumped down to the audience. They began to cheer when Cloud appeared.

"All who boo my girlfreind must die! The only time Id kill her is if she cheated me for a guy named Squall Leonhart!" Cloud laughed. "Um…..Cloud" Tifa muttered.

Tifa and Cloud sat in chairs and were talking to each other. "How could you do this! I gave up everything for you,"Cloud cried. "Heres Squall(and the part people pay to see),"said Cid.

Cloud looked at Squall as he entered the stage.Cloud ran at him with the buster-sword and slashed him through the side. Squall turned to Tifa and said (holding the bloody wound):"It was a misunderstanding,Tifa. I thought you were Rinoa,"Squall said and he walked off of the stage panting.

The crowd glared wide-eyed and Cloud left Tifa frozen in a position.


	6. Episode 6

**Episode 6**

"Yes, its another pathetic episode of Cid Highwind, "said Cid in a body cast. "You see, after the last episode he was beaten up by people in the back alley for no odd reason. Todays special guest is Fighter, our first main character, "he said.

Fighter ran up to Cid and sat next to Cid. "So,Fighter, word on the street is you and Reina are going out,"Cid said. "I like Swords," Fighter replied. "Thats nice, do you love Reina?" Cid asked.

"I like Swords."

"You are annoying me," Cid growled.

"I like Swords."

"Stop saying I Like Swords!'" Cid screamed.

" Sorry," Fighter sighed.

"Just answer my dang question!" Cid screamed.

"I still like Swords," Fighter smiled.

Cid motions to one of his bodyguards. The bodyguard opens a door revealing Reina.

"Fighter,must we tell Bartz about our everlasting love?"

Fighter gets up from his seat and whispers in Reinas left ear.

"Ahhh, Yes Fighter, his name is Buttz," Reina chuckled.

Cid motions for his bodyguard to bring Bartz in the room.

Bartz (Buttz) entered the room and sat next to Reina.

Buttz:_Thou art tender lily blossoms. And thou my love for you shines like the light of a thousands suns._

Reina:Thou art my $$! My love shines for the wiseness of Fighter.

"Guess what! I still like Swords."

"Youre leaving me for that red-headed twit!" Buttz yelled.

"YES," Reina yelled standing up from her chair.

"OK,Ill go eat pudding then," Buttz sighed and left the set.

"Come on.you sexy loveable idiot," Reina smiled grabbing fighters arm.

"But I like Swords," Fighter smiled.

"What did you just say!" Reina covered her mouth in horror.

"Were through,you punk. I must find the man whos name means $$."

Reina walks out of the set.

"Sweet, shes gone! White Mage, here I come!" Fighter yelled in delight.


	7. Chapter 7

**Episode 7**

"Ahhh, yes, I have recovered from my pointless, brutal beating, "Cid said waving to his audience. "Today is a special episode. Since it's the 7th episode, and I come from the 7th Final Fantasy, we shall bring the entire FF7 cast up here, on this stage!" Cid shouted.

Lights flash and Cloud steps unto the set and waves to everyone. "Hey dudes,sup? Im Cloud and Im single and available," he smiled.

More lights flashed as Tifa came in. "Im Tifa and I have huge……………

……………………… ………………rabbits," she smiled and she opened motioned to the body guards who opened two cages and to gigantic rabbits hopped out of them."OK, that was freaky," Cloud said with a look resembling this:

O o

Red XIII walked unto the stage. "No lights for me? I hate you guys," he growled.

More lights flashed as Barret walked onto the stage. Cid huddled in a corner …..afraid.

"Yall,sup,my homies?" Barret shouted.

Cid looked up. "God, hes a hippie," He said to himself.

Sephiroth and Aeris walked on stage. (A/N:Aeris dumped Kuja! Yes,Episode 2 wasnt that cool, but the Kuja thing was kinda funny).

"Yes, I may be her killer, but hell, I love her," Sephiroth smiled. "Yeah," smiled Aeris, ready to pull her gun if Sephiroth made a bad move.

Yuffie and Vincent walked on together as well. "Hey yall,"Yuffie cheered. Vincent sighed. "God,I better be paid overtime for going out with Yuffie and starring in that gay commercial. Author of this incredibly lame fanfiction, YOU SHALL PAY!"

"I hope we didnt forget anyone, Oh goodie we didnt," Cid smiled. "Barret, we already discussed your------wait one stinkin second! Red, Yuffie, and Cloud are the only ones I haven't talked about love lives yet!" Said Cid.

Cid held the microphone in Vincents face.

"Hows your love life?"

"Well thanks to the author, I have to like Yuffie and star in crappy commercials."

"Um………thats swell," Cid smiled with a fake thumbs-up.

"You dont feel love for me Vincie…..," Yuffie sighed.3

"How can I put this nicely?" Vincent asked.

"NOOOOOO!"

"Im leaving you, Vince," Yuffie cried and ran off the set.

"Sweetness," Vincent praised.

"…………OK?" Cid shrugged.

"Red, how ya doin?"

"Get away from me," the wolf-lion-thing commanded.

"Come on guys we saved the world together;ou have to be a little nicer to the dude with the spear.

" liked you better as a smoking chimney that needed anger and cussing' management.

Cid:Oh.Cry me a river.Sticks out tounge.

Red left the stage.

Cid:Who likes reunions anyways?Cloud,my man,sup?

Cloud:Tell the girlies Im available.Tifa cheated on me with Squall.He thought she was Rinoa,cant bame her.Although Tifa has the rabbits'.

Tifa:Cant you give me a second chance?

Cloud:Whatever.I surrender to the rabbits.

Tifa:You think Cookies and Creame are that cute?Smiles,holding pet rabbits

Cloud:Yeah,those rabbits too.Oo

Tifa and Cloud held hands and walked off the stage.

Cid:Sephiroth,how about you?

Sephiroth:WHAT DO YOU MEAN I KILLED AERIS AND BOUGHT THS FAKE ROBOT-REPLICA FIVE MINUTES AGO!

I mean hi……………..

Cid:You know what!This episode sucks,go to credits.

THE NEXT DAY…………………

Cait Sith and Quina are banging on the door to the set."Open up!You said to bring your girlie if you had one,OPEN UP!


End file.
